Breakeven
by thatlisakid
Summary: Finn's thoughts on Puckleberry. Based mainly on 2x09. Song used - Breakeven by the Script.


_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,  
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,  
'Cause I got time while she got freedom,  
'Cause when a heart breaks  
no it don't break even_

When Finn walked in to school to see Rachel with Puck's arm around her, he knew he'd screwed up big time letting her go. I mean sure, she had cheated on him but Finn realised he'd been a bit of a hypocrite. (after he'd looked up the word when Tina had shouted at him for breaking up with Rachel) When Finn was dating Quinn, he cheated with Rachel twice so technically he was in no place to be mad at her. However, the way Finn saw it, what Rachel had done was worse because she did it to get back at Finn for sleeping with Santana (or Satan as Rachel so kindly puts it) where as when Finn kissed Rachel when he was with Quinn, he did it because he had genuine feelings for Rachel not to get back at anyone.

However, regardless of everything that happened, he loved her. When he said he'd never break up with Rachel, it wasn't a rule he was trying to play by, but more like a promise. Not only he was making to Rachel, but to himself that he would never let her go again because of how perfect for him she was. But now she's with someone else and to Finn, it looked like he had been more effected by it all than Rachel had.

_Her best days will be some of my worst,  
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,  
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,  
'cause when a heart breaks  
no it don't break even, even no_

_What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok  
I'm falling to pieces  
I'm falling to pieces_

Whenever Finn sees her in school he feels a mixture of emotions. Firstly, hurt. Any time she walks past him in the hallway she doesn't even turn her head, if anything, it's as if she's running to try and get away from him. It's always worse when she's with Puck because he has a constant reminder in his head of why they aren't together anymore. She made out with someone else. She made out with his best friend. In Finn's eyes, he's been betrayed by 2 people. Puck too because he didn't say no to making out with her. Then again, considering how perfect she is, Finn doesn't find that surprising.

The second of Finn's many emotions that are slowly breaking his heart even more was regret. When Finn did have Rachel to himself, looking back he realised that even through they had amazing times together, there's also the fights that Finn wished he could go back in time and fix. All Finn wanted was to make Rachel feel safe. That day Rachel tried to make him chose between football and her, he should have followed his heart and told her that no matter what, she would always come first. He felt almost sick to his stomach remembering that when Puck and Rachel dated before, he had chosen Rachel over football. It made Finn think that maybe Puck was better for Rachel because he would put her first. However, Finn wasn't going anywhere without a fight. That was one of the qualities about himself he actually liked, the fact that he was determined to get what he wanted, which he believed had been inspired by Rachel's determination to be on Broadway and to win that award that Finn could never remember the name of. It seemed to Finn that the girl he loved, was slipping away forever.

_They say bad things happen for a reason  
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding  
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving  
And when a heart breaks  
no it don't break even, even no._

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah

Another thing that had come to Finn's attention recently, was that now Puck and Rachel were officially "dating" again, he noticed that not only did Rachel look happy, but Puck also looked happier than he had since Quinn had broke up with him because she wanted to be more independent... and then she started dating Sam... but that's a whole other thing. Finn wasn't angry at all anymore, well slightly towards Puck because he stole the girl he's always cared for, in fact both of them for that matter. However, it was more emotional pain than anything else. It hurt Finn seeing Rachel so happy, with someone else. As much as he wanted Rachel back, he was starting to realise that maybe she's happier without him.

_You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,  
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.  
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.  
'cause you left me with no love, with no love to my name._

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,  
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,  
'cause I got time while she got freedom,  
'cause when a heart breaks  
no it don't break, no it don't  
break, no it don't break even no.

Seeing them together at glee only further breaks him. They sit at the front of the choir room hand-in-hand (which I think more than anything was Rachel's idea.) while Finn sits at the back next to Kurt, staring at how beautiful she is and spends the whole rehearsals wishing that was him. When she laughs at his jokes, or even just smiles, Finn wonders if he'll ever get the chance to do that again. At one moment, she turns her head to ask Mercedes about a possible duet and before she has the chance, their eyes meet for the first time in weeks. It's only for 2 seconds but Finn never wants it to end. Everyone notices, even Puck. Which angers Finn because Puck can see the hurt in Finn's eyes and yet continues to date Rachel, knowing how much Finn loves her. Puck used to spend all his time taunting Finn about how dating Rachel would bring down his rep even further but Finn never thought for a second that Puck was only saying those things out of jealousy... was he?... Finn didn't know. He didn't want to think about it anymore. All that mattered to him was that Rachel was happy. Even if it meant it wasn't with him. For now anyway. Finn just had to hope that maybe eventually, he and Rachel could finally get back on track again.

_What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you  
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah  
I'm falling to pieces, yeah_


End file.
